Three marriages. One Possible Solution.

How I deal with conflict and make decisions with Fabi

“The train station is this way.”

“No, it’s not. Google says we turn left.”

“You are holding your phone upside-down!”

“Hold the umbrella straight! You’re dripping water on me!”

As you know by now, my partner

Fabiana

and I travel a lot. We have little disputes like this one a million times a trip, sometimes dozens of times a day. You saw one of them in my last letter, where I wanted to swim in the freezing waters of Greenland, and she was against it. Here is that video again in case you missed it.

Even if your travel is just to the local supermarket, and you are married (like I am) or in a partnership, you recognize the pattern. When you have two strong-willed people harnessed together in a relationship, it’s expected that there will be little squabbles and power plays over, well, almost everything.

Now, I have a confession to make, and this one’s not easy for me, for it sends a smart bomb straight into the heart of my tender and over-inflated male ego: Most of the time we disagree, Fabi is right. “Dammit! The train station IS that way! I cudda sworn…”

But no. I have to eat crow and follow her like a bad puppy to the station while she cocka-doodle-doo’s yet another small victory. She loves those moments, of course.

Fabi beaming. I am probably brooding.

There is a verse from the Old Testament that I hold on to. It says (and I know it by heart):

“Iron sharpens iron. So one man sharpens another.”

I have learned that “God” (or fate, or the “Universe,” or whatever greater power you believe in) sends people your way to sharpen you, expand you, and bring more light and awareness into your life.

If you allow it, that is.

Fabi does that for me, and maybe I do it for her, too. We expand each other, and our lives are the better for it.

How I Deal With Conflict

Over the years (and two prior marriages), I developed a mental/emotional process for how I deal with marital conflicts, great and small. Here is it as a flowchart, which, as a former engineer, is how I visualize the process. Geek style, that is!

Credit to singer/songwriter Paul Simon for the window open/closed conflict

Note there are three (3!) opportunities to “Agree with her and LET IT GO” (and maybe one more.) There is only one (1) chance to “go to the mat,” that is, to fight it out.

The trick, I have found, is to truly let it go and not just pretend to, for if you hold on to even a little bit, it will eat you alive from the inside like an evil worm. I have also found that knowing how to let things go takes a lifetime of practice.

I Always Wanted to Be Right

Sadly, I came to one of the great truths of this process late in life. It was revealed to me in a book by Dr. Phil called “Relationship Rescue,” which I read when my first marriage was failing. I also know this saying by heart, too.

“It is better to be happy than right.”

So what if the train station is the other way? The world is not going to end. At worst, you miss the train and meet someone new and fascinating waiting for the next one. “Thank you for being late,” said Pulitzer Prize-winning author Thomas Friedman in his book of the same name. He knew that unplanned inconveniences often lead to great opportunities.

The delightful “Mr. Pho,” a man Fabi and I met waiting for a train in Hue, Vietnam

Implied in the “Is it worth fighting over?” decision point is the question, “How much do you care?” Are you willing to let it go? How attached are you to the outcome of this decision? How much of your ego is wrapped up in “winning” or always being right?

I believe it’s especially difficult for men to check their egos and let go, but guys (and I’m speaking to men here), this is where your sharpening happens! Sparks will fly. You’ll be pressed against the spinning wheel, and you won’t look the same when the grinding is done. That’s the idea. A good woman is the best thing that will ever happen to you.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. “Why can’t she apologize when she’s wrong?” Dude, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s a mystery to me. Just type “women apologizing” into YouTube and you’ll see that we are not alone. I’d better not even attempt to explain that one.

In any case, men, take comfort knowing that you will always have the last word. They will be some variation of “You’re right and I’m sorry” (mic drop). Then, when the opportune moment presents itself, you can exact your vengeance with a passive-aggressive sneak attack like I did in this “spooky” video I made in the catacombs of the Chiostri di Sant’Eustorgio in Milan, Italy.

Fabi laughs and laughs at this video, and keeps asking me to show it to her friends and family. We have a lot of fun teasing each other.

I am pretending to push Fabi off “the end of the world” outside Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. She is going along with the joke.

The Small Print

I suspect no one needs reminding that I am not a psychotherapist and have no credentials for offering relationship advice other than two failed marriages. Today, I am just a bumbling fool. Tomorrow? Same.

But some of these things work for me and Fabi, and maybe they’ll work for you, too. Take what’s useful and toss the rest. “Keep the meat and throw away the bones!” says Mr. Pho. Unless you’re eating snails, that is. They don’t have bones. Throw away the shells.

Okay, you’d better not take culinary advice from me, either!

Eating snails in Hanoi, Vietnam

Fun on the Beach

Looking for a fun summer read? Here it is!

When Fabi was just 27, she left her pleasant, small-town life in Italy and started to wander. For the next twenty years, she traveled through 100+ countries, experiencing ship sinkings, vampire heads, ocean crossings, curious hyenas, mutinies, smoking volcanoes, manipulative men, and other jaw-dropping tales from the sea and land.

Our book “Far and Wild” tells those stories and shows how a single woman can explore the world on her own terms, without fear, and with her eyes always on the horizon. But more than anything, this book is about the power of friendship and love.

I would be grateful if you’d pick up a copy. The Ebook is only five bucks! And if you’ve already purchased one (Thank you!) — please leave a review on Amazon, preferably with a picture of you holding your copy. Thanks!

That’s a Wrap!

Before I say arrivederci, allow me to bring your attention to a new series of essays I’ll be posting over the next few weeks, about history and geopolitics. They will be somewhat nerdy, but if you're interested in that kind of stuff, you might enjoy them. Here’s the first one, as an introduction.

These essays and Notes will not arrive in your email inbox — you’ll need to keep an eye out for them on Substack. They are found in my “Mad Musings” category, which is where I post all my (ahem), mad musings.

That’s it for now. Keep those fires of curiosity burning, and I’ll see you next time

!